All Hallow’s Eve has just passed and with the advent of spooky ghosts and goblins ready to scare you into paroxysms of fear comes your Ghostitutional right to Scare Onto Others Before They Scare Onto You. That’s why you can start on Trick or Treating with these top five email marketing ploys which are guaranteed to scare your subscribers right into composing an email of their own directly to the FBI at ic3.gov. Why not start November off right by no longer working for a living but relaxing on a bottom bunk with three squares a day… and remember that when it comes to jumpsuits it’s a very Halloween fashion statement: Orange is the new black!

  • Suck up web email addys like a thirsty vampire. Your list has been drooping like your prized Dahlias in your front yard after the first frost, so just before Christmas is a great time to bulk up your subscriber roster, and it’s super easy to do. Just google a bunch of sites in your industry which publish their membership lists with email addresses and suck them all up like Dracula feasting on a juicy jugular. Sure, there is a real big notice on each of those pages that warns that the sending of email to those addresses is strictly prohibited but that’s just for the easily scared and that obviously doesn’t apply to you!
  • The Mailer Daemon commands you to edit headers. If His Satanic Majesty didn’t want you to change headers why would He (the Mailer Daemon) have made them editable? There’s a new 50/50 rule for email marketers this Halloween and it’s to spend half the time writing your message and the other half rewriting the headers. Falsifying header info is what separates the Frankensteins from the trolls, so step up to the highest echelons of Spam Monsters and get creative!
  • Blast through open proxies like a rampaging werewolf. There’s a reason why some relays and proxies are open and that’s so you can blast through them like a werewolf on a midnight rampage. This is the way to get your claws into those silly ISPs who have damaged your online reputation (boo hoo… with the emphasis on BOO) by just doing an end run around their pointless little blocks. Just carve holes in those ISP blocks like you did with your Jack O’ Lantern’s face and send a message (or 7 billion) that tell everyone on the planet to forget the ghosts and beware of you!
  • Have ghosts register your accounts & domains. ICANN is ICANT when it comes to actually verifying IDs, so generate as many fake names and addresses as you want to register a whack of domains for use as your email senders. When they attract the attention of the Feds, they’ll be chasing nothing but ghosts. If your ISP demands to see ID, just copy an online sample driver’s license from that state and Photoshop your ghost’s name and address onto it.
  • Let your botnet zombies take over the world. Email service providers are passe, after all why actually pay for them to send out your emails when you can create a botnet of zombie computers all over the world to do it for you for free? But why stop at just having these innocent victims send out your emails when you can get them to click a few million times on your competitors’ AdSense to get their banners banned, or better yet, launch a denial of service attack on their server at 12:01 am on Black Friday! They’ll be the ones wearing black that day in mourning for their businesses! Bruaaaahaaahahaaahaahaaaaaa….

If you follow all of these top five email marketing ploys you’ll have a spooktacular ghoul ol’ time residing for an extended spell in a bootiful gryphon prison where you can eat, drink, and be scary while having lots of time on your paws to practice all the safe hex you want, but you might get some monstrous jail guard to order you to wipe that pump grin off your face!